morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
