Please, let me fuck your mom
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
