I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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