I accidentally burped into my bong.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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