I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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