I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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