Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
