you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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