I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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