So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize