he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
two words...techno handjob
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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