just come out here and I will go home with you...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
