So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
