there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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