dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
