I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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