mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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