Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
