nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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