Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
