i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
