Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
