i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
