He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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