Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
