do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
