my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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