Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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