Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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