You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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