so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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