There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
