how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
