I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
