you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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