a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
