Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
