Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
