I skipped work to stalk him.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
