i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
