I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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