Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Randomize