I wish I could teleport
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What a dumb baby whore.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
