On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
