my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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