I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
