Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
