She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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