This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize