Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
