i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
