sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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