We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm just crazy horny about you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
