I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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