I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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