Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
