i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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