dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
