My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
