I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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