My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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