new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
